I was given job offers every where I applied, except in Chattanooga. I think it's because they could tell I had no desire to live in Chattanooga.
I've decided to accept the offer at Garmin and turn down the rest. I'll be graduating and moving to Kansas City in May.
I just have to finish up and send them some paperwork and then fill out more paperwork.
My group finished our application for my embedded systems class, and it's been extrapolated into a very good idea. However it's got some GPS and location based aspects so I contacted my recruiter at Garmin about it before I signed a confidentiality agreement. I want my idea to be my own even though it will use location based stuff, which is Garmin's "thing".
I've been feeling very disconnected from myself lately and I can't figure out why. There has been a lot of introspection (as if that's anything new) and I yet I can't figure out why I have the perspective I have. Why I feel so removed from myself.
I need to go to therapy. 2012 has been a very annoying year and I'm hoping to make 2013 much much better. I have a few goals as everyone does for the new year and I'm hoping to come out shining. We'll see in a year.
I found a couple of blogs on tumblr I really like.
http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/ which is described as: Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield
from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst
of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind
of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against
loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.
The other is http://randomshopper.tumblr.com which is, a guy wrote a bot to buy random CD's/DVD's/Books for him off Amazon, they get shipped to his house and he reviews them, he only just started but I think it's an incredibly interesting experiment, I hope he keeps it up.
I'll be back sooner than later, finals wrap up the 13th and I'll have more time to write.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Writing
I feel like I don't write enough. I feel like when I do write it's always the same thing.
I feel like I'm living emptily.
Does that make sense?
I have thoughts and ideas and I express them. I understand things and I create things and I can program advanced algorithms and I can do discrete mathematics. I can understand abstract concepts.
I am smart.
However, I feel like I'm a person trapped inside someone else who understands all of these things, how could this be me? I wonder. I feel like I'm experiencing that Murakami quote from Sputnik Sweetheart, “So that's how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us--that's snatched right out of our hands--even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.”
I hate this feeling. I want to be free of it. I want to rejoice in the things I do again. I just do everything because I have to, at a bare minimum of effort.
I am upset about the number of options I have for jobs. It's surreal. Part of me wants to just accept the Garmin offer as is, and run to Kansas City. Some part of me hopes that this would somehow cure me. That running away from everything would make me happy. I somehow doubt it.
I wouldn't be leaving any stress behind. All of my anxiety travels with me unfortunately. They live in my head. Most of them are hardly issues.
I'm a little better at piano, oh yea, I bought a keyboard. I haven't been back here in a while so I haven't told you. I guess I should play catch up. I own a piano. I live in an awesome house with Andrew, Ryan, Plaids, and Jake. I have a Job offer from Garmin, I have three interviews in the next week. One with a company called CGI, another PerfectServer, and another CTS. CGI is in Fairfax, VA. Hmm, this gives me an idea:
CGI CTS PerfectServe
In Fairfax (Potentially Alec, Close to friends In Knoxville(Friends!)
Pros Aneliese, etc) Chatt has white water Said they'd match Garmins pay
Good Base Pay rafting offering an internship
Good Work/Life balance leading up to employment
In Fairfax (expensive to In Chattanooga In Knoxville(Stagnant?)
live in, far from friends, etc) (unsure about pay, Small company, relatively unknown
Cons No advancement structure work environment, etc) (unsure about work environment)
Potentially working as a
business analyst as opposed
to being a dev.
So that's pretty much the way the ground looks right now.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life. I want to apply to Quora pretty badly. They have programming puzzles, and one of them is classifying answers to questions as positive or negative. I could do it with my neural network but I would have to rewrite it and implement it and I just don't have the time frame they would need. Or any big company for that matter. I want to apply at Microsoft too through Gbenga, but I think I would have to not give an answer to Garmin or one of these other places if that was going to happen. Which means I could be turning down jobs for jobs I probably wouldn't even get. I have to start somewhere. I supposed I could apply to one of those places later. That's how this is supposed to start right? We always hear stories about "So and so had dreams but, then they got a job and wife and a house and a kid, etc."
What are my dreams?
Sorry for that nose dive. When I write sometimes it's like flying an airplane, my angle of attack gets too high and get to the critical angle and I stall out (aka I realize what is happening) and I have to push the nose down so my plane will level and fly. Does that make sense? I guess if you don't know about aerodynamics, it might not. It doesn't matter, the point is I over extend and then have to calm down. I need to start writing coherently on specific subjects so that I can feel like I am still capable of expressing myself clearly.
But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, ooh and I rush to the start.
Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
Nobody said it would be this hard.
I feel like I'm living emptily.
Does that make sense?
I have thoughts and ideas and I express them. I understand things and I create things and I can program advanced algorithms and I can do discrete mathematics. I can understand abstract concepts.
I am smart.
However, I feel like I'm a person trapped inside someone else who understands all of these things, how could this be me? I wonder. I feel like I'm experiencing that Murakami quote from Sputnik Sweetheart, “So that's how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us--that's snatched right out of our hands--even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.”
I hate this feeling. I want to be free of it. I want to rejoice in the things I do again. I just do everything because I have to, at a bare minimum of effort.
I am upset about the number of options I have for jobs. It's surreal. Part of me wants to just accept the Garmin offer as is, and run to Kansas City. Some part of me hopes that this would somehow cure me. That running away from everything would make me happy. I somehow doubt it.
I wouldn't be leaving any stress behind. All of my anxiety travels with me unfortunately. They live in my head. Most of them are hardly issues.
I'm a little better at piano, oh yea, I bought a keyboard. I haven't been back here in a while so I haven't told you. I guess I should play catch up. I own a piano. I live in an awesome house with Andrew, Ryan, Plaids, and Jake. I have a Job offer from Garmin, I have three interviews in the next week. One with a company called CGI, another PerfectServer, and another CTS. CGI is in Fairfax, VA. Hmm, this gives me an idea:
CGI CTS PerfectServe
In Fairfax (Potentially Alec, Close to friends In Knoxville(Friends!)
Pros Aneliese, etc) Chatt has white water Said they'd match Garmins pay
Good Base Pay rafting offering an internship
Good Work/Life balance leading up to employment
In Fairfax (expensive to In Chattanooga In Knoxville(Stagnant?)
live in, far from friends, etc) (unsure about pay, Small company, relatively unknown
Cons No advancement structure work environment, etc) (unsure about work environment)
Potentially working as a
business analyst as opposed
to being a dev.
So that's pretty much the way the ground looks right now.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life. I want to apply to Quora pretty badly. They have programming puzzles, and one of them is classifying answers to questions as positive or negative. I could do it with my neural network but I would have to rewrite it and implement it and I just don't have the time frame they would need. Or any big company for that matter. I want to apply at Microsoft too through Gbenga, but I think I would have to not give an answer to Garmin or one of these other places if that was going to happen. Which means I could be turning down jobs for jobs I probably wouldn't even get. I have to start somewhere. I supposed I could apply to one of those places later. That's how this is supposed to start right? We always hear stories about "So and so had dreams but, then they got a job and wife and a house and a kid, etc."
What are my dreams?
- Start a successful company and kill at what I do, be passionate about it.
- 10,000 hours playing piano.
- Live in a vibrant city; have friends there.
- Get married, have kids, have a dog, give them the world.
Sorry for that nose dive. When I write sometimes it's like flying an airplane, my angle of attack gets too high and get to the critical angle and I stall out (aka I realize what is happening) and I have to push the nose down so my plane will level and fly. Does that make sense? I guess if you don't know about aerodynamics, it might not. It doesn't matter, the point is I over extend and then have to calm down. I need to start writing coherently on specific subjects so that I can feel like I am still capable of expressing myself clearly.
But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, ooh and I rush to the start.
Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
Nobody said it would be this hard.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Work
I don't really feel like sleeping. I should probably go to sleep though, I have to be up at 10 am to go see a house.
I like searching for things. I hate how hard it is to find things. Building a tool to make it easy to find what you're looking for is something I want to do. I could be passionate about that.
It's so hot outside this summer, the weather is supposed to be thunderstorms all week with the temperature in the mid 90's.
I met this really cool girl who worked in my hotel in London, her name is Glaiza. She would talk to me every morning and give me tips about going around the city or answer questions I had about what I was going to see/do that day. I liked the interaction with her, it was nice. I didn't really get to say goodbye, kind of annoying.
Heart skipped a beat, but when I caught it you were out of reach. But I'm sure, I'm sure, you've heard it before.
I went and saw 3 houses today, sort of. One of them we were given an official tour by the woman renting it and it was awesome. Beautiful old Victorian home that would be really great to live in. But it was a bedroom short and pretty expensive, also, no pets allowed. Probably kicking it off the list because of these reasons. Another, we talked with the woman who is renting it, she sent us a bunch of pictures, and we drove past the actual house and it was pretty awesome, but the drawbacks are it's a little out of the way, and with everything she wants up front, first and last months rent, pet fees, security deposit, it adds up to 5 grand. That's a little rough. The third place, is Prison Cottage. That's the name we gave it because it's fucking creepy. It's a big stone building with "7" bedrooms. We called the guy renting it but didn't get an answer and so we drove by the house to check it out and ended up walking around it and trying the door and it was open, so we did the normal thing and went ahead with the B&E. We didn't really break in, the door was open so we just stepped in for a minute to look around, it was completely empty and really, really creepy. Probably can't live in Prison Cottage.
The place we're going to see tomorrow, I have a feeling, won't be that great. I want to live with the people I intend to live with but also with Marlon and Nick Jones. Marlon is moving into the dorm at this point, and Nick Jones is going home. I really don't want that to happen. I'm pretty upset about it, actually.
London was wonderful. I wish I had spent a little less time in my head and a little more time on the street. Not that I didn't enjoy myself, but, I can be introspective for weeks, even months at a time and then look up and realize that I've wasted quite a period.
I need to do work. I'm going to start testing a coding evaluation system that the department is going to use for the undergraduate intro CS class for Dr. Berry and Dr. Vander Zanden, but I need a personal project to be completed soon, or at least a lot of work put into one, so I don't drive myself crazy. Henry Miller is the man. I need to write more, and draw more, and read more, and play more music.
Last night, I swallowed liquor and a lighter, and this morning I threw up fire. But it's nothing new, I've been piecing it together it's got something to do with...
I like searching for things. I hate how hard it is to find things. Building a tool to make it easy to find what you're looking for is something I want to do. I could be passionate about that.
It's so hot outside this summer, the weather is supposed to be thunderstorms all week with the temperature in the mid 90's.
I met this really cool girl who worked in my hotel in London, her name is Glaiza. She would talk to me every morning and give me tips about going around the city or answer questions I had about what I was going to see/do that day. I liked the interaction with her, it was nice. I didn't really get to say goodbye, kind of annoying.
Heart skipped a beat, but when I caught it you were out of reach. But I'm sure, I'm sure, you've heard it before.
I went and saw 3 houses today, sort of. One of them we were given an official tour by the woman renting it and it was awesome. Beautiful old Victorian home that would be really great to live in. But it was a bedroom short and pretty expensive, also, no pets allowed. Probably kicking it off the list because of these reasons. Another, we talked with the woman who is renting it, she sent us a bunch of pictures, and we drove past the actual house and it was pretty awesome, but the drawbacks are it's a little out of the way, and with everything she wants up front, first and last months rent, pet fees, security deposit, it adds up to 5 grand. That's a little rough. The third place, is Prison Cottage. That's the name we gave it because it's fucking creepy. It's a big stone building with "7" bedrooms. We called the guy renting it but didn't get an answer and so we drove by the house to check it out and ended up walking around it and trying the door and it was open, so we did the normal thing and went ahead with the B&E. We didn't really break in, the door was open so we just stepped in for a minute to look around, it was completely empty and really, really creepy. Probably can't live in Prison Cottage.
The place we're going to see tomorrow, I have a feeling, won't be that great. I want to live with the people I intend to live with but also with Marlon and Nick Jones. Marlon is moving into the dorm at this point, and Nick Jones is going home. I really don't want that to happen. I'm pretty upset about it, actually.
London was wonderful. I wish I had spent a little less time in my head and a little more time on the street. Not that I didn't enjoy myself, but, I can be introspective for weeks, even months at a time and then look up and realize that I've wasted quite a period.
I need to do work. I'm going to start testing a coding evaluation system that the department is going to use for the undergraduate intro CS class for Dr. Berry and Dr. Vander Zanden, but I need a personal project to be completed soon, or at least a lot of work put into one, so I don't drive myself crazy. Henry Miller is the man. I need to write more, and draw more, and read more, and play more music.
Last night, I swallowed liquor and a lighter, and this morning I threw up fire. But it's nothing new, I've been piecing it together it's got something to do with...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Catch Up
--June 14th 2012
This post is going to be long. I will probably update it several times instead of writing new posts for a while.
Hello. I haven't written since midway through March and now we're midway through June. It's pretty incredible what can happen in 3 months. I suppose not a lot has happened really. My semester wrapped up terribly at school. I didn't finish a single personal project, although I did do a lot of work on several of them, story of my life, right? I haven't gotten any better at piano, in fact at this point I'm probably worse than I was, although I did make an A in my piano class. I can speak Spanish a little better than I was able to before, I'm more confident in my ability, at the very least. I have lost a pretty good amount of weight since the beginning of the year and I work out pretty regularly, so I guess at least some of my resolutions have been okay. I have been stronger for myself and I'm very aware of that, so that is one very positive thing, even though I thought it would be very hard.
I am a struggle. There are so many different factors in life that I calculate into what I'm doing and where I want to be going et cetera.
I am in London and have been for nine days and it has been pretty incredible. I have learned a lot about Computer Science, History, different cultures and especially myself.
I know exactly what I want out of life. I do. And that's weird. I didn't realize it but it is incredibly weird for someone my age to know exactly what they want out of life. I mean life. I'm scared that what you read was "I know where I want to work" or something else specific. What I said was I know exactly what I want out of life.
Dreams are terrifying. I have a vision of exactly how I want my life to be and I'm realizing that since I know the destination there are an unenumerable number of ways to get there. The path I take is never incorrect if it will eventually lead to what I desire, right? I think so, but I'm young and reckless, right? I think so again.
I'll write more later, I'm going to Harrods to look at all the expensive things I can't afford, yet.
--June 17th 2012
Harrods was good, the Food Halls was pretty awesome, it's crazy how big that store is. I didn't even spend a lot of time looking just grabbed lunch and got out of there before I wanted to spend money I shouldn't. Hate money, it's such an annoying constraint for me. I want to just make a lot of money at once so I don't have to worry about it anymore. Just have that security. I'm sad I need security from a medium of exchange. It's really annoying.
Anyway, I'm in Cambridge now, I came last Friday, the 15th, and have been at a conference the last couple of days to celebrate the centenary of Alan Turing. It has been interesting. All of these historians and biologists and computer scientists have definitely got my mind working, which is great, I love thinking about my field of study. Combining it with business ideas is my favorite thing to do in the world and they have definitely given me plenty of room for that.
--June 18th 2012
Cambridge itself is a really pretty place; very small and walkable and I like that. I think we will go punting soon and that should be fun. My next conference starts tomorrow and I think that will be a pretty fun too, because it will be a much larger conference and I'm looking forward to attending some of the paper presentations by the PhD students. There are some really interesting topics, even though most of them are probably going to be over my head.
I turned 23 today. As per usual, I don't feel any different than when I woke up this morning. Another year has passed and it has been almost like every other year. Technically it's been much more exciting than any other year, really. I don't know if exciting is the right word, maybe.. excruciating. haha.
I sort of want to cry just thinking about everything. I have been trying incredibly hard the last few weeks and I've been doing well. But it's a fragile state, my mind is in. I don't like that feeling. I mean I have sort of out run my problems in a sense. I deal with my day to day things and I just don't think about anything out side of my control. When it comes up, really welling up sometimes, I battle it down. I feel better day to day because of this. I can't control some things, I can't spend my time chasing some things and I just have to live day to day happily. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes wisdom takes a while to sink in. Sometimes courage needs to be built on a stable base. And sometimes serenity can be fragile. I am working on it. I have a "million dollar" idea in my back pocket and I'm going to pursue it full tilt when I get back to the states, because it's a completely manageable and good idea and if I can execute I know it will be incredibly successful.
I just want to be happy. Which I am on a day to day basis, right now, it's such, it's such a perfect day, I remember we were walking up to strawberry swing. Then I get caught up in a whirlwind of worries and the battle starts to swallow whatever I'm thinking about and distract myself. It's easier than I thought, but I feel myself pushing away from things and that isn't what I want. It makes me sad. But maybe it's what needs to happen with a lot of my worries. I can't let things destroy me. I have admittedly been a huge mixture of happy and sad here. Sad because I miss home, happy because this place is awesome and it's an excellent get away from my problems. It is admittedly hard to worry about them when they're 3500 miles away. I have to go back eventually though. Blue skies are coming, but I know that it's hard.
This post is going to be long. I will probably update it several times instead of writing new posts for a while.
Hello. I haven't written since midway through March and now we're midway through June. It's pretty incredible what can happen in 3 months. I suppose not a lot has happened really. My semester wrapped up terribly at school. I didn't finish a single personal project, although I did do a lot of work on several of them, story of my life, right? I haven't gotten any better at piano, in fact at this point I'm probably worse than I was, although I did make an A in my piano class. I can speak Spanish a little better than I was able to before, I'm more confident in my ability, at the very least. I have lost a pretty good amount of weight since the beginning of the year and I work out pretty regularly, so I guess at least some of my resolutions have been okay. I have been stronger for myself and I'm very aware of that, so that is one very positive thing, even though I thought it would be very hard.
I am a struggle. There are so many different factors in life that I calculate into what I'm doing and where I want to be going et cetera.
I am in London and have been for nine days and it has been pretty incredible. I have learned a lot about Computer Science, History, different cultures and especially myself.
I know exactly what I want out of life. I do. And that's weird. I didn't realize it but it is incredibly weird for someone my age to know exactly what they want out of life. I mean life. I'm scared that what you read was "I know where I want to work" or something else specific. What I said was I know exactly what I want out of life.
Dreams are terrifying. I have a vision of exactly how I want my life to be and I'm realizing that since I know the destination there are an unenumerable number of ways to get there. The path I take is never incorrect if it will eventually lead to what I desire, right? I think so, but I'm young and reckless, right? I think so again.
I'll write more later, I'm going to Harrods to look at all the expensive things I can't afford, yet.
--June 17th 2012
Harrods was good, the Food Halls was pretty awesome, it's crazy how big that store is. I didn't even spend a lot of time looking just grabbed lunch and got out of there before I wanted to spend money I shouldn't. Hate money, it's such an annoying constraint for me. I want to just make a lot of money at once so I don't have to worry about it anymore. Just have that security. I'm sad I need security from a medium of exchange. It's really annoying.
Anyway, I'm in Cambridge now, I came last Friday, the 15th, and have been at a conference the last couple of days to celebrate the centenary of Alan Turing. It has been interesting. All of these historians and biologists and computer scientists have definitely got my mind working, which is great, I love thinking about my field of study. Combining it with business ideas is my favorite thing to do in the world and they have definitely given me plenty of room for that.
--June 18th 2012
Cambridge itself is a really pretty place; very small and walkable and I like that. I think we will go punting soon and that should be fun. My next conference starts tomorrow and I think that will be a pretty fun too, because it will be a much larger conference and I'm looking forward to attending some of the paper presentations by the PhD students. There are some really interesting topics, even though most of them are probably going to be over my head.
I turned 23 today. As per usual, I don't feel any different than when I woke up this morning. Another year has passed and it has been almost like every other year. Technically it's been much more exciting than any other year, really. I don't know if exciting is the right word, maybe.. excruciating. haha.
I sort of want to cry just thinking about everything. I have been trying incredibly hard the last few weeks and I've been doing well. But it's a fragile state, my mind is in. I don't like that feeling. I mean I have sort of out run my problems in a sense. I deal with my day to day things and I just don't think about anything out side of my control. When it comes up, really welling up sometimes, I battle it down. I feel better day to day because of this. I can't control some things, I can't spend my time chasing some things and I just have to live day to day happily. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes wisdom takes a while to sink in. Sometimes courage needs to be built on a stable base. And sometimes serenity can be fragile. I am working on it. I have a "million dollar" idea in my back pocket and I'm going to pursue it full tilt when I get back to the states, because it's a completely manageable and good idea and if I can execute I know it will be incredibly successful.
I just want to be happy. Which I am on a day to day basis, right now, it's such, it's such a perfect day, I remember we were walking up to strawberry swing. Then I get caught up in a whirlwind of worries and the battle starts to swallow whatever I'm thinking about and distract myself. It's easier than I thought, but I feel myself pushing away from things and that isn't what I want. It makes me sad. But maybe it's what needs to happen with a lot of my worries. I can't let things destroy me. I have admittedly been a huge mixture of happy and sad here. Sad because I miss home, happy because this place is awesome and it's an excellent get away from my problems. It is admittedly hard to worry about them when they're 3500 miles away. I have to go back eventually though. Blue skies are coming, but I know that it's hard.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
What an appropriate day
Today wasn't complete shit, at first. Which makes it ever more appropriate for it to turn into complete shit. So very ironically, I was told today by my ex-girlfriend, "story of your life" in reference to me being so close to having/getting/accomplishing things and never getting to the end.
I woke up today and thought it was going to be a good day.
I even had a good dream last night.
I woke up today and thought it was going to be a good day.
I even had a good dream last night.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Effigy
Life seems so... pointless, right now. I hate this feeling. I feel so incapable of controlling what I want to control. It feels as though I'm not... good enough. Not smart enough. Not attentive enough. I honestly just feel like I'm going insane. How does everyone else around me... live?
I think I'm going to put a question and list above my monitor, to try to constantly remind myself that I need to be doing something I find productive. I feel... I mean that's what you're supposed to do, right? If I am just productive everyday I will feel better, right? I want to be able to say yes.
It just all feels so empty. Everything. Things I never wanted to be empty and it's just so fucking sad. It's literally the worst thing I've ever experienced. I can't even make myself cry about it. I just feel... empty is the only word I have. Of course I came across this Murakami quote and it was like being punched in the face, I knew I adored this man for a reason.
"So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness."
I feel like he understands; somewhere, where ever he is, he has experienced what I am now.
He's alive, and that's comforting.
Am I weak? I don't like to think so, I struggle a lot, but I think that's okay.
I've learned a lot about myself over the past few months.
I'm more in touch with who I am than I have ever been.
Now what does that even mean?
I have been working so hard to curate myself into being who I want to be. I've done a pretty decent job of it, I'm happy with who I am, for the most part.
"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me, so I can say, "this is the way that I used to be. There's no substitute for time."
But something is missing. What am I missing? What am I doing incorrectly? How can I make it better? I wish I could answer all these questions.
Sometimes during the day I feel like I don't have the capacity to function. For instance someone will speak to me and I feel like my mind can't process what's happening, as if they're speaking a different language. It makes me think something is wrong. It has been happening more often. I wonder if I am just so lost in my mind sometimes that I'm not paying attention to what's around me at all. I'm slightly scared of it manifesting in more physical ways, dropping things, tripping, etc. Right now it just seems to be about focus and processing information in my head, I don't know. I am crazy.
I think a lot about hand holding. My hand has almost always been held through everything I do. Everything else was just pattern matching for me, which sort of makes me think that's why I'm good at design and not so much at computation. I often wish someone was holding my hand through life. That sentiment just makes me sad, because I think, "I know whose hand I want to hold through life".
"Are you calm? settle down. Write a song, Ill sing along. Soon you will know that you are sane. You’re on top of the world again."
I want to make music. I think I am going to start dedicating time each day to going to play piano. I should have been doing this anyway but I have been slacking. I usually get in about 2 hours per week of play time, which is just not enough. In a few years I want to be able to sit at a piano and play something. I want this so badly. It's something I know I need to work for. I think my next large investment will be some sort of piano. But unfortunately I won't be making any investments for what feels like a very, very long time.
It looks like I'll be "studying" in London and Cambridge this summer. I don't really feel anything about this.
Time moves so strangely. "Is it too late, is it too late, is it too late, hummingbird?"
I should probably write more. I probably will.
"What do you want to be in the world? I mean, the whole world, what do you want to be? Close your eyes and think about that."
"Found."
I think I'm going to put a question and list above my monitor, to try to constantly remind myself that I need to be doing something I find productive. I feel... I mean that's what you're supposed to do, right? If I am just productive everyday I will feel better, right? I want to be able to say yes.
It just all feels so empty. Everything. Things I never wanted to be empty and it's just so fucking sad. It's literally the worst thing I've ever experienced. I can't even make myself cry about it. I just feel... empty is the only word I have. Of course I came across this Murakami quote and it was like being punched in the face, I knew I adored this man for a reason.
"So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness."
I feel like he understands; somewhere, where ever he is, he has experienced what I am now.
He's alive, and that's comforting.
Am I weak? I don't like to think so, I struggle a lot, but I think that's okay.
I've learned a lot about myself over the past few months.
I'm more in touch with who I am than I have ever been.
Now what does that even mean?
I have been working so hard to curate myself into being who I want to be. I've done a pretty decent job of it, I'm happy with who I am, for the most part.
"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me, so I can say, "this is the way that I used to be. There's no substitute for time."
But something is missing. What am I missing? What am I doing incorrectly? How can I make it better? I wish I could answer all these questions.
Sometimes during the day I feel like I don't have the capacity to function. For instance someone will speak to me and I feel like my mind can't process what's happening, as if they're speaking a different language. It makes me think something is wrong. It has been happening more often. I wonder if I am just so lost in my mind sometimes that I'm not paying attention to what's around me at all. I'm slightly scared of it manifesting in more physical ways, dropping things, tripping, etc. Right now it just seems to be about focus and processing information in my head, I don't know. I am crazy.
I think a lot about hand holding. My hand has almost always been held through everything I do. Everything else was just pattern matching for me, which sort of makes me think that's why I'm good at design and not so much at computation. I often wish someone was holding my hand through life. That sentiment just makes me sad, because I think, "I know whose hand I want to hold through life".
"Are you calm? settle down. Write a song, Ill sing along. Soon you will know that you are sane. You’re on top of the world again."
I want to make music. I think I am going to start dedicating time each day to going to play piano. I should have been doing this anyway but I have been slacking. I usually get in about 2 hours per week of play time, which is just not enough. In a few years I want to be able to sit at a piano and play something. I want this so badly. It's something I know I need to work for. I think my next large investment will be some sort of piano. But unfortunately I won't be making any investments for what feels like a very, very long time.
It looks like I'll be "studying" in London and Cambridge this summer. I don't really feel anything about this.
Time moves so strangely. "Is it too late, is it too late, is it too late, hummingbird?"
I should probably write more. I probably will.
"What do you want to be in the world? I mean, the whole world, what do you want to be? Close your eyes and think about that."
"Found."
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Focus
It was very grey and wet out Thursday. When I walked outside it was sort of misting but I figured it wouldn't get too bad so I didn't go back to grab my umbrella.
Thursday was a weird sort of day. Very... I don't know another word, weird. I woke up and got ready and attended my first class, it was good. We talked about stuff I mostly knew but it was a good refresher. After class I did a little bit of Photoshop work for this business meeting tomorrow but I'm not sure it's going to be useful. I ate lunch, left over spaghetti. Then the internet just started failing me in the new building, there are so many connectivity problems there. They need to get that together pretty badly, even my teachers have issues in class which isn't acceptable. Since the internet was down and I didn't have my books with me I couldn't do any work and I still had 50 minutes till my next class, so I walked across campus and practiced piano for an hour. Ended up skipping my class and playing a while longer, then trekking to the TREC to work-out. I waited around there and read for about half an hour before Marlon got there. We had a really good work out. Marlon had a meeting so he stayed on campus and as I was walking home alone it started raining. I was so tired I could have vomited, but of course I didn't.
I remembered this time my freshman year when it had rained, and I had just bought an umbrella. I was standing on a corner waiting for the crosswalk light and there was this girl standing there just getting soaked. So I walked up to her and put my umbrella over the both of us and I remember how grateful she was. We were walking in the same direction but my building was closer so, I just gave her my umbrella to use. It's a happy memory even though I had to walk back in the rain.
I don't really know why Thursday was a weird day. I think it might be because I'm a little sad. I don't like being sad.
Friday was a good day. I had a life experience I can't safely share on blogger, but it was very fun.
I miss Aneliese. It's Sunday night and as is usual during school I am spending it doing an obscene amount of homework at the last minute. It's going to be a long night.
Sadness is so pecking. I really have a lot to do so I should go.
I'm seriously enjoying Adele and Childish Gambino right now.
Thursday was a weird sort of day. Very... I don't know another word, weird. I woke up and got ready and attended my first class, it was good. We talked about stuff I mostly knew but it was a good refresher. After class I did a little bit of Photoshop work for this business meeting tomorrow but I'm not sure it's going to be useful. I ate lunch, left over spaghetti. Then the internet just started failing me in the new building, there are so many connectivity problems there. They need to get that together pretty badly, even my teachers have issues in class which isn't acceptable. Since the internet was down and I didn't have my books with me I couldn't do any work and I still had 50 minutes till my next class, so I walked across campus and practiced piano for an hour. Ended up skipping my class and playing a while longer, then trekking to the TREC to work-out. I waited around there and read for about half an hour before Marlon got there. We had a really good work out. Marlon had a meeting so he stayed on campus and as I was walking home alone it started raining. I was so tired I could have vomited, but of course I didn't.
I remembered this time my freshman year when it had rained, and I had just bought an umbrella. I was standing on a corner waiting for the crosswalk light and there was this girl standing there just getting soaked. So I walked up to her and put my umbrella over the both of us and I remember how grateful she was. We were walking in the same direction but my building was closer so, I just gave her my umbrella to use. It's a happy memory even though I had to walk back in the rain.
I don't really know why Thursday was a weird day. I think it might be because I'm a little sad. I don't like being sad.
Friday was a good day. I had a life experience I can't safely share on blogger, but it was very fun.
I miss Aneliese. It's Sunday night and as is usual during school I am spending it doing an obscene amount of homework at the last minute. It's going to be a long night.
Sadness is so pecking. I really have a lot to do so I should go.
I'm seriously enjoying Adele and Childish Gambino right now.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Lose Your Love
There is always so much pressure.
Life is incredibly complicated.
When you throw love into the mix of things life just becomes even more complicated.
Love is so visceral. It conflicts with my personality so much.
I love this girl, but I want her to be happy and want only the best for her. I want to have an amazing relationship with her. If that means she needs time to experience different things in life beside me... If that means she needs time away from the pressure I create for her... If it means we don't have a hetero-normative relationship. Just none of that matters, I'll wait. And that's exactly what I'm talking about. So visceral, so conflicting.
I moved into my apartment in Knoxville. I was able to make it a home relatively easily. It's actually pretty cozy in my room even though its been less than two days. I have just the right amount of storage space and room for everything. I just need a bookshelf. I was able to set up the mirrors and lanterns I bought from IKEA. They look great. The mirrors are shaped like benzene rings and remind me of Lumpy Space Princess, so naturally I drew her face frowning on them, with a little "What the lump!" bubble, because that's how I'm feeling.
Christmas was excellent. I got a bunch of gift cards and a watch box. I bought Aneliese pearls. She looks beautiful in them. We ended up getting my mom an iPad 2, which is so exciting. I think she really likes it. We had fun with it at Granny's for a while the night before we left. I had a pretty excellent week with Aneliese afterward leading right up to the new year, literally.
New Years day, starting shortly after midnight, things crumbled. They pretty much have gotten progressively worse. My phrase of choice of the last 3 days has been: "Everything is terrible".
I don't really feel like explaining, but the beginning paragraph will do for now. I need to focus on what's right in front of me otherwise I'm going to implode. I need to work out regularly and just focus on school and work if I decide to do that this semester.
I wish I could put my life in fast forward. I want the part where she says yes.
Life is incredibly complicated.
When you throw love into the mix of things life just becomes even more complicated.
Love is so visceral. It conflicts with my personality so much.
I love this girl, but I want her to be happy and want only the best for her. I want to have an amazing relationship with her. If that means she needs time to experience different things in life beside me... If that means she needs time away from the pressure I create for her... If it means we don't have a hetero-normative relationship. Just none of that matters, I'll wait. And that's exactly what I'm talking about. So visceral, so conflicting.
I moved into my apartment in Knoxville. I was able to make it a home relatively easily. It's actually pretty cozy in my room even though its been less than two days. I have just the right amount of storage space and room for everything. I just need a bookshelf. I was able to set up the mirrors and lanterns I bought from IKEA. They look great. The mirrors are shaped like benzene rings and remind me of Lumpy Space Princess, so naturally I drew her face frowning on them, with a little "What the lump!" bubble, because that's how I'm feeling.
Christmas was excellent. I got a bunch of gift cards and a watch box. I bought Aneliese pearls. She looks beautiful in them. We ended up getting my mom an iPad 2, which is so exciting. I think she really likes it. We had fun with it at Granny's for a while the night before we left. I had a pretty excellent week with Aneliese afterward leading right up to the new year, literally.
New Years day, starting shortly after midnight, things crumbled. They pretty much have gotten progressively worse. My phrase of choice of the last 3 days has been: "Everything is terrible".
I don't really feel like explaining, but the beginning paragraph will do for now. I need to focus on what's right in front of me otherwise I'm going to implode. I need to work out regularly and just focus on school and work if I decide to do that this semester.
I wish I could put my life in fast forward. I want the part where she says yes.
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