Willie or Wontie

I've been thinking about a lot lately, as always. Specifically though, what I plan to do with my life going forward. I'm 27 now and I feel so restless. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I've felt like this for years and even though people continually tell me I've accomplished plenty I'm never satisfied.

I think I don't have a reason to live right now. (That's not a plea for help, I'm not thinking about killing myself.) I'm passionate about funny things and art. I'm passionate about sharing. I just don't know how to correctly combine these things into a life. I've been painting a lot of watercolors. I have a backlog of ideas for paintings at this point. I've been collecting Dasani bottles to make a statue of Jesus. I recorded a tone deaf rap song. I'm weird.

I've been thinking about how much I don't care for my job. It's fine, it's just a B- way to spend 8 hours a day. I've been riding my bike to work (~12 miles round trip) in an effort to make myself feel more refreshed before and after. I like my friends in Kansas City, but everyone here is married or dating someone. It's annoying always inviting two people to any given thing. The lack of being able to be spontaneous is a real downer on my personality.

Those combined factors make me want to move, ideally to a coast. Souther California? San Francisco? New York? My lease is up at the end of September and I feel paralyzed. Do I sign a new lease and spend one more year here? The alternate options perspective is that, Kansas City is actually a pretty cool place, it's growing, and despite the lack of free time my friends find themselves with I do enjoy the relationships I've cultivated here. I could buy a house?

There's so much I want to experience and I feel like I'm really limiting myself in Kansas, though. At the same time I feel like I have a lot of growing to do. I've been taking a lot of time with different things in my life. Questioning why I'm doing something or if it's worth my time. If I'm going to do something I keep feeling like I should want to be doing it well. Whether it's eating or reading or painting. I want to understand everything better.

Gesamtkunstwerk, is what I'm strive toward in my life. It's this idea of a total work of art. Perfecting every piece of something that you put together. I want this in everything I do though, I want my life to be a total work of art as aggressive as that comes across. When I cook, when I ride my bike, when I paint, when I think of new pieces of art to put together, when I write, when I learn. It's not just that striving for the perfect combination of mediums to build my perspective. I want duende. I want what I do to have soul. I want to be funny and compassionate and empathetic. I strive for a lot of this everyday. I just feel like it's not enough. I want to be better. What's the best way to pursue that?

It's funny that these concepts come from different languages. I need to learn Spanish and Japanese. I know so much but I just haven't put in the time. "The will to work must dominate, for art is long and time is brief."

I'm sad, I know I'm sad, but I don't know that I'll ever escape that. It permeates a lot of what I do and I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. It makes me funnier, it makes me more empathetic, it makes smarter. I think that's ok. Here's to a positive year while being 27. Talk to you soon.